am I always shining for God?
Today, my family and I were traveling to Lincoln ,NE to skate USA Rollersports national championships, which goes from today the 13th through Friday the 18th. During the car ride BJ began talking about skating and immediately I got extremely nervous and anxious. Let's face it, nationals is a pretty big deal. To top it off, I've spent the last year getting ready for this week. For these moments ahead in the very, very, extremely near future. While he was talking I became emotional. I am afraid, afraid to lose, afraid to let BJ down, afraid to let myself down, afraid to let Jay down who has coached me with my husband, to let my children down, to not perform and have all of those people in my life who didn't like skating say, "see, you're wasting your time skating around in circles!" Most of all, I'm afraid to let God down! I know that may sound crazy but it's very real for me. You see, my whole life, until I met my husband and then later became a mother, I had been taught by most people very close to be that love was conditional, that it was performance based in whatever I was involved in, that I was loved but..... So my capacity to understand God's agape love....his unconditional love for me, is just really hard for me to grasp. Now that living for God is my focus everyday with all that I do, I am even more fearful of letting him down, not fulfilling my purpose in Him. Or maybe, not reaching that one person I'm supposed to. For God's purpose is why I believe I am here at nationals today. Not for me to accomplish something, but for Christ to accomplish something through me. What if I let Him down? I know He loves me, I've sang it since I was a baby, "Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so...." There's a difference in knowing God loves you and experiencing His love, I think. I guess I'm afraid that if I let Him down He'll still love me but I won't be allowed to experience His love any longer. So here I sit questioning all that I am and have become and believe in by asking myself, "am I always shining for God?" The answer to that is, no. I guess I could say that I try, but what does "trying" accomplish? You either "do" or you "don't," so in that case I guess I don't. But I am going to change that, today!!! I am going to make sure that I am always living for His glory, for His purpose, not my own. Not my agenda. I know that God places dreams and desires in our hearts and His plan is to see them through. But it is our job during that process to make sure that the credit goes where it is due. I don't know exactly why God has given me the gifts and talents He has but I do know that if I am ALWAYS shining for Him that I can't miss my purpose! If I can reach just one person by setting my own emotions aside and taking my focus off me then I believe that I have made God proud. Just recently one of my athletes said to me that they can always tell how the practice is going to go, as soon as they walk in the door. They can tell by the atmosphere, the atmosphere that I bring there, the attitude I come in with! The eagerness or lack there of to skate well and work hard that day. An old coach of mine used to say that a bad attitude spreads like a cancer. I never really realized the depths to that until it was brought up the other day, when we were trying to figure out why lap times were a little slow for everyone. In fact everyones times were slower that day by tthe same amount. So what was it? We were trying to pinpoint it, was is less people at practice, the floor conditions, the temperature of the building and outside. We were looking for something somewhere when all along it was the atmosphere. And being the Coach of the group, I take the responsibility for that. How was my attitude when I came into that practice? Was it positive? Was I putting other people first or was it all about me? There were a few of us all trying to figure it out and it was all brought up in a casual conversation. That this person can tell when they walk in how the practice is going to go. No offense was taken at all, in fact, I have since thanked the person for holding me accountable to that. If I'm the one creating the atmosphere, for practices that these athletes are attending, then I better make sure that it's a Godly atmosphere. Especially if even one of them is not saved. So, for me, being at nationals is so much more than skating, it's all about eternity! So, tonight, I sat down and this was my devotional. Coincidental?? I think not! God?? I think yes!! There are NO coincidences with God, NONE!
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